This year, by far,
has been a challenging one for me. But I survived 365 days. And I will survive
365 more. :)
The year 2016 is my
year of faith. It was when I had my first and (probably) the worst panic
attack. This was after people I was supposed to be able to trust betrayed me in
ways unfathomable. It was then I realized that certain group of people would be
willing to violate one's person just so they could prove their power. I never
talked about it (I still don't) because someone or some people need to be
protected. This was, so far, the worst event in my life. I must admit that it
threw me off balance. Until now, I haven't gained that balance. But God
willing, in His time, I will be able to make sense of it as I slowly do.
Source: Click this.
Add to this, the
financial pressure from my creditors. I had been fortunate enough to have settled
many of them but I was still a long way from zero-debt.
The panic attack
would come out of nowhere. I would often get a sudden feeling that death
was after me. My brother and my
sister-in-law witnessed how I was slowly being eaten by this blackhole. I would
have nightmares in the evening when I was asleep. But the worst nightmares were
the ones that happened while I was awake. I prayed at least three times a day. I
meditated at least three times a day as well. Whenever the attack would happen,
I would hide in the comfort room, and pray, and cry. If it didn't work, I would
play some guided meditation using some apps I downloaded. Sometimes it worked.
Sometimes, it didn't. But I'm a fighter you know.
Yes. I contemplated
suicide too. At the back of my head was a voice saying I would be better off
dead. That I would transcend. That I would be at peace. My brain would reason
out, "They don't say rest in peace
for nothing." What stopped me was the thought of hurting my loved ones. I
couldn't hurt them like that. I can't imagine my parents crying. No. Just no.
No child should go before his parents. I drowned the voice with affirmations
day-in day-out. Until the voice became faint. I decided to seek professional
help. And I did. And it helped.
I chose love.
Then 2017 came. It
was the year of love. Just before I joined the World Talent Olympics 2018 and
was starting to feel that things are falling into their proper place, my
contract in a government agency where I used to consult was ended without prior
warning. Politics in government offices is something I wasn't prepared for. It
was also this year when I came face to face with all my fears - my weaknesses
and my liabilities. But this was also the year, when I discovered I had so much
love to give. That I had so much strength. That I had what it takes. Albeit the
realization of my potential, fear still held me back. I made bad money
decisions. Numbers were all scrambled in my head.
Year 2018 is a year
of courage for me. Having come from a jobless situation, I needed to knock on
doors to get support in one of my endeavors - I've always wanted singing. But
the encouragement I got from those who really mattered were "I'm too old".
Or questions such as, "What would you do after?". Or "Aren't you
ashamed knocking on doors?", "What if you lose?" But then there
were also those who loved me unconditionally and see past the obstacles. They
rallied behind my back. Pushed me. Told me I could do it. I owe much of this
year to them. This year, I made yet another bad money decision. But now, I'm
slowly learning about my financial blueprint. I'm slowly learning about my
money patterns. And shit! What a wake up call. Year 2018 is also the year when
I've learned to say "fuck off" to the negative thoughts and to the
people who have got nothing nice to say about me. I'll say it again with a
smile, fuck off. :)
I'm talented. I'm
smart. The fuck, I am. I am an excellent speaker, writer, singer, and actor.
But for some reasons, I couldn't show my talent out there. For fear of being
found out of my weaknesses, my struggles. But you see, that's what make this
year a year of courage for me. I now understand that courage includes embracing
your fear. I now understand that being courageous means acknowledging fear and
improving your relationship with it. So fear, I welcome you in my heart. It's
fearful to be seen for who I really am - but I will show it nonetheless because
that's the only way I could truly love myself. I can't truly choose love unless
I am courage.
I am courage.
Don't get me wrong.
This is a story of hope and gratitude. As I look back at my life, I realize
that from a rate of three, I am now at the rate of seven - from 2016 to 2018
with all the experiences I have gained, and with all my learning. My roller
coaster ride in the past three years may have been awesome in other aspects but
a large part of what held me back was my lack of understanding of my
relationship with abundance. Eight, nine, and ten of my seven out of ten is my
lack of understanding of wealth and abundance.
Now this year of
2019 is the year of abundance for me. I slowly feel the seeds I planted last
2018 are growing and growing. Something awakened inside of me. The fear of
scarcity attracts scarcity. The fear of abundance results to scarcity.
I now release those
that no longer serve the best version of me. I'm tired defending my weaknesses.
Yes you can stay, it's your job to humble me but you won't take the driver's
seat. You will take the back seat. You will not drive me. It's time I honor my strength and not be
imprisoned by excuses.
So if you cared
enough to read until here, let's start this new page with new hope. I can see
abundance in the horizon welcoming me as I slowly dismantle old beliefs holding
me back.
So 2019, bring it
on. I'm ready for you.
I create and manage
wealth easily and effortlessly.
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